Wednesday, March 20, 2013

pursuit of 'SOMETHING'

I stare into myself and see a big black wall, beyond which my gaze fail to reach. The little ventures to identify myself, in this world have not lead me anyplace. After all the twists and turns, the highs and the lows, I still stay at the same plane, pursuing the same trail I had once tread. I feel lost in understanding myself, lost in deciphering my place in this world. I am unsure, about what I need in life, uncertain of the purpose of my existence.

There is a void which has haunted me, from the time I care to remember. A void, which I know exist, but am not sure, what is to fill it and complete me. I have tried many a thing, to fill the emptiness in me; the slumber of alcohol, warmth of woman, the tenderness in love, the peace in wilderness. But, alas everything failed and the emptiness still prevails.

There is something that is missing in my life! Something more which is required to make me feel complete, feel whole and feel alive. But the "something" never surfaces and I still stand as clueless, as it was ten years back, solving the puzzle of "something". The romantic in me assures, it is the wait for the "better half" and boy, quite a long eventful wait, it really has been and not all the events cherished!

I stand helpless, I stand in grief, I stand in anguish, pondering about my state of affairs. The jealous mistress I am living with, soothes the edges, by cramping for time and making the conscious not think. But how much ever I try and maintain tranquility, the emptiness comes out bubbling, over all those things like the mistress and the home, which I keep over the void, to superficially fill me.

On this pursuit of something, I still am geared up, chests held high and chin tight. I wipe the white trail of salt from my cheek and look up to the stars and shouts at Mr God, the creator, "You are a fallacy, a farce and I do not fear you! I want to feel complete and the pursuit of wholeness is where I will find my happiness in"

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